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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 72
The Mafia Gazette Issue 72 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Friday 6th January 'CONCEPTUALISTS: A SPREADING DISEASE? ' New York saw the rise of the Conceptualists but now it seems there is nowhere in the country safe from the small group of killers who were responsible originally for the death of the Hoffa Family. It appears this feud may not be as settled as it at first seemed, with more and more killing taking place. The Conceptualists first surfaced barely a month ago when news of their killing the Hoffa family hit the headlines of the Gazette. The group systematically eradicated the Hoffa family leaving few alive and causing a stir in Los Angeles. Their original statement to the newspaper said that they were looking at the leaders and those that weren’t fit to lead would not be allowed to. It would appear that the group have since broadened their horizons, killing more of the “ordinary” people in our community as well as some of the more reputable of our leaders. Vanity, recently voted Miss Mafia and Street Boss of a small family in Chicago was gunned down yesterday evening with no obvious reason for the killing. Her murderer turned up at the funeral and attempted to claim that Vanity had shot at him first, however many people disputed this, stating that the glamorous Boss, notable in society for her lavish parties, had only returned fire when shot at by Blue_Tank_2many, who killed her in the fight. He, in turn, did not survive for long after the fight as people sought revenge for the killing of Chicago’s Miss Mafia Street Boss. DonCappucino2 took the fight to the streets following the death of his father at the hands of the Conceptualists. He asked the community to step forward to help deal with this new threat to our society. He commented “Conceptualists are nothing but punks with guns, who keep coming back. Every gun however is dangerous to the community, especially when guarded by bodyguards. Already the conceptualists are gaining more members, and it is likely that they are supported by a made man, which gives them the guns and the money”. Several more people have fallen to the Conceptualists including Made Woman witchy and Hoffa, a Street Boss. Shortly before his death, we were able to speak to Hoffa about the Conceptualists. He stated: “There isn't much you can really say about random thugs claiming that they stand for something. Standing up for false causes is just pathetic, I believe all the recent events have just been to get publicity. They say they stand for something but all they are doing is turning into just another underground 'club' and want attention, which they are getting. The only reason my father was killed is so that their name would be known and to get into the paper, which they did. My father did no wrong in defending his family, but yet he paid for it being called a "unworthy" leader. If you spoke to any of my fathers friends and his family before his demise they would have told you otherwise. They have rapidity attacked my family and have even began keeping score of the kills. There is just no point to such groups walking around these streets causing destruction when their are steps forward being made to create stability, peace, and control throughout the land. I say their needs to be a stand against such 'clubs' of idiots with false causes they stand for and rid our streets of them so that we will finally be able to move on and create something great we all can be proud of”. The community now faces the Conceptualists seemingly random attacks on anyone who is running a crew or family with more and more of the LAA members appearing in the obituaries. Woota followed witchy into the graveyard and over the course of the day many Earners and Gangsters have also appeared in the Obituaries. Families are being wiped out or left leaderless by this group and we wonder where it will stop. Every time one dies, another rises to take their place plunging the community into anarchy and cities into chaos. As yet we have been unable to speak to the Conceptualists for a quote but will bring one as soon as we are can. Anyone with any more information on this group should contact the Police or the Gazette offices. 'LAA NOT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY ' By: Lucia Pellegrino After a series of crimes which violate the policies of the Los Angeles Alliance, leaders of said Alliance wish to release a fair warning to those finding themselves above what they consider to be the "law." "For those unfamiliar with the Los Angeles Alliance Kiss_This established before her tragic death, ignorance is no excuse for violation of its standards," says Misty, prominent figure in the Alliance. The concept of the LAA has been established in the paper, discussed on the streets, and undoubtedly caused at least a bit of commotion amongst members of our community in the comfort of their own homes. Prominent figures in the Los Angeles Alliance have stated that, from this time forward, members of the LAA are enforcing a zero-tolerance policy for violators of its clear rules. LAA leaders and followers alike make clear the positive nature of the establishment of the Alliance and the importance of maintaining harmony. "Rules are not guidelines," says Coheed, frequenter of the great city of Los Angeles, "they are not entities one is simply 'encouraged' to abide by." For those who may have forgotten the regulations set in place for the city of LA by the Alliance, here is a quick and easy rundown of the rules: random mugging, random whacking, and bank robbing are outlawed, and violators are subject to severe and immediate punishment. If you have any doubts about how seriously enforced these rules are, Dave_Courtney of Los Angeles can confirm. A situation in direct violation of LAA rules occurred between 5:00PM and 6:00PM on January 4th that involved a member undergoing review for release from Dave_Courtney's family. Bomber, said member of Dave_Courtney's family, relentlessly attacked Cambria then staged her death to appear as though it was done in self-defence. The LAA immediately contacted Bomber to try and diplomatically negotiate the circumstances behind the death of Cambria. All attempts were neglected, so the appropriate action was taken. Bomber was executed by members of the Alliance. "I would like it to be known this is totally against what my family and the LAA stand for. Bomber's death following the incident was more than justified. I can only give my word that I would have taken care of it myself had I been available at the time," says LAA member Dave_Courtney following the actions taken by the Alliance to rectify the situation. "Violence is not our first resort," says Misty, "but those ignoring our requests for information and reasons regarding their actions will be dealt with according to their level of compliance." Los Angeles locals are urged to reconsider rash decisions of committing crimes in violation of LAA regulations. As evident by the quick, intense punishment dealt out in LA on January 4th, the Los Angeles Alliance is most certainly not to be taken lightly. 'NEW YORK BLOODBATH ' By Jake Roberts Early on the first day of this New Year, Conceptualist leader Oblivion was gunned down by Denver Made Man Evolved. Evolved was quick to visit the funeral and point out to Oblivion grieving family that this was what would happen when a lowly thug disrespected a made man. After being told he would pay for shooting in New York, Evolved continued to kill around three more members of the Conceptualists before returning to his Denver home for some rest. Later that night while resting in his family home Evolved had his last ever first footer in the shape of Conceptualist gunman FalseIdol who had time to tell evolved this was what would happen when people come shooting in New York before firing three shots into his chest. Since this act Made Man Red123456 has taken lead of a group of a group of renegades aiming to eliminate this New York threat before it can begin and there where heavy casualties on both sides during a late night gun fight in New York. Only time will tell how this will be resolved. 'MAFIA WEDDINGS - JUST SAVE YOUR RECEIPTS ' by Graceless The birds do it. The bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. The real question is why do so many smart and educated mafia women get married? Women are strong and independent, and have lately even been given the ability to vote! So why are so many intelligent women acting like it's 1918? Taking names and baking bread? Is it truly an epidemic and should we be asking the mayors to look into the water supply? I'll admit, even I have fallen in love. But marriage? When I spoke with Mrs_Gismondo, she admitted that her decision to marry was for love, and love alone, despite critics who said that she was only looking for a step up in the world. But she is quick to point out that her relationship with the late Gismondo stayed strong through both the highs and lows of both of their respective careers. "As a female Mafioso, it is hard (at times) to establish ourselves beyond the domestic roles society has set aside for us. Too often many of us think that by taking the 'wife' role we are playing into that and it is simply untrue. I decided to take my husband's name as a good opportunity to be an example for other female Mafioso, to show that we can be the wife and the leader without giving into to the barrier of the domestic role." But what of the female Mafioso that choose not to change their name, to continue blazing their own path under their own identities? Balbina is one of those women. She didn't want to give up all that she had just to be summed up by a simple name. She admits there have been no drawbacks. "Yet", she laughs. But the bank account? In her own name. With all the machismo, even our men seem to show that gleeful twinkle in their eye when they talk about their own marriages. Mattallic admits that knowing that 100% of mafia marriages end in divorce or death played heavily on their minds in their own decision to move forward in their romance, but "that's just the love we have, we will take risks to stay together". He waxed poetic on his own proposal, smiling broadly during the entire interview while recounting his own love affair with Witchy. "Whatever happens, we will always love each other" is such a beautiful sentiment that even I had to admit to myself that it may not be such a bad thing after all, with men like Mattallic out there. It seems almost inevitable, in this high-strung life we lead, that a great number of people will be put in the unenviable position of burying a loved one. How does one cope with being the widow of such a match? CarmelaDeAngelis married not only her love, but her best friend. In her own words, "The hurt of losing him and not having him still with me is far outweighed by the brief happiness of being his friend and his wife". Like Mattallic, she refused to let the possibilities stand in the way of her own happiness. "I knew that his work would mean times that he would be away from home a lot...You do have to accept the worry as part of a mafia marriage, but you can't let it spoil the time you have". And with all the black that she outright admits to having to wear for all her friends, she doesn't see a future romance blossoming in her future. When it's love, it's forever, for CarmelaDeAngelis. And then there are the newly engaged. The blissfully ignorant to shared bills, mortgages, and screaming babies with dirty diapers. MrsDevious is currently planning her Friday the 13th wedding to Powerslide-Jr. She admits that the power is a lure to the relationship, "It's the perk, I guess" she says with a smile, but wants to make it very clear that she and her fiancé have known each other for years, and that the love is paramount to their success together. "He has always been there for me, unlike my previous marriages". This woman, however, is a traditionalist. Unless her husband to be tells her otherwise, she will be changing her name. When I spoke briefly to Powerslide-Jr about the issue, he pointed out that to force a woman to change her name "would not make any sense or serve any other purpose (other) than self gratification". So will it all end? Unlikely. Because as the song goes, even fleas like to get their kit off. And while this lively, gorgeous, and happily single reporter enjoys the free meals at the wedding receptions, don't hold your breath for an invite to my own blushing bride experience. I'm always a bridesmaid, and never a bride. 'GUIDANCE, WISDOM AND TRAUMA ' By Miguel Every issue, I will answer as many questions I can, submitted by you, the reader. Please mobmail me with your question(s) as often as you’d like. By contributing to my column, you are contributing to the ever-growing popularity of this fine newspaper. Miguel you sexy bitch, Does a French Cat know that he is French? Albert-Neri Albert you heterosexually intriguing gentleman, There is an easy answer to this question: no. There is also a complicated answer to this that would involve me violating a half dozen felines…and I don’t want PETA all over my ass over this. Signed, Miguel ********** Dear Miguel, I'm looking at buying a dog. What kind should I get? Keep in mind it has to be stripper-friendly! Always, Eden Lacroix Dearest Eden, I’d be willing to wear a collar if you let me be your stripper pole. Signed, Miguel ********** Migs, Why Las Vegas? angeloSD-TLT angelo, You’ve obviously never been…but for all those who haven’t been, I enjoy the vast selection of slots. There is a slot for everyone and for every budget. For the right price, you can even have a slot all to yourself for as long as you can handle it (or until your money runs out). Signed, Miguel 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to CarmelaDeAngelis at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. 'Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact CarmelaDeAngelis, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand and will be paid for. Normal articles will receive $5,000 and outstanding items will receive $10,000. '